Monthly Archives: January 2013

two of the most valueable lessons I will ever learn

1-Technology is overused and so (the word for over dramatised/ ppl pay far too much attentinon)sorryitshardformetothinkofwordsrightawayandthismessagehastobewrittenrightafuckingway.

I lost power for a bit this morning. It was just electricity. “This is so great! I can get so much done without the interference of technology!! And, the water pressure is back!”

mom- “Not for long. So be sparing.”
I was blissfully unaware of how much technology has come to be presant in my everydaylife. Even going to turn on and off the lights….

It was so nice t o have a moment where there was no other choice but to live life without any technology in it
While being very brief, I learned a very valuable LIFE LESSON.

2-No matter what culture you decide to live in, always make sure you stay true to your own; stay true to you.

I ride into DCC with my mom when she goes into work everyday at 8:30a.m. so I have some time to kill. So I usually utilize the fully functioning mac book computers that we have here(mycomputerathomeissodambslow,butitkindamakesmeseemlikeim too cool to respond to questions too fast😉
so there I am. In the Cafe. I was trying to solve some debacle I had with the macbook and I preceded to walk around and ask everyone if they could help me out.

MORAL: no one wanted to help.

OTHER MORAL: I saw an Asian boy eating a burger(waitthatwasweirditwaslike,….8:40)
with chopsticks and
immediatley my FANTASTICAL brain jumps to, “It is important to keep ones
one culture when surrounded by people of a different culture.”

i am an early


Funny the Way I Is

I am happy again, thanks to Claudia, Heidi, and my future plans. (usuallyIhavetogetthroughitallonmyown,nowIhaveanacomplass)
I just got done with my ever present depression bout.

I could probabually clock it down to the day (ishouldtoo).

On the week it begins to hit me, I realize how much of a nobody I truly am.
How many goddamb ppl there are in this world(whatmakesmethinkiamsogreat?).
I get embarassed bc I thought everything I was saying was so damb perfect.
Everything was flawless, I do not read, and FUCK the idea of writing anything.

People will not ever feel the same twisted ways that I feel about things.

These depression ’bouts’ are getting shorter. (maybeitisjustweekendswhenthereisnoschooltooccupymyenergys.)
Can not w a i t for them to stop completley.

Maybe that day will come when pe people society stops being big old, gap toothed idiot.

For now homeostasis has returned.
Everything is back, family you can rest well tonight.(maybemyfamilyisntaseffectedasithinkinmyhead)

I pray that I will be stronger next time this thing comes around again.

When I get into my bout of depression;
First, I contemplate suicide on the car ride home from DCC on friday night with my mom.
Next I try to place the blame for my bout on my inability to drive(im20,ishoulddrive.right?).
Now I try to place blame for me being unable to drive on my mom(aka:THESOURCEofMYDEPRESSION?).
“”If I were to jump, so many ppl wouldn’t notice.””
Lastly, the miserable grouch of a body that I have now come to poses as my own, blames my two beautiful alarmingly, witty sisters and their equally as dashing friends and bfs as the source of my bout of depression.

This all ends when I pick a feature about my future and make sure that it is 100% going to happen like I plan.

This bout ended when I had solidified my plan to go to get certified in physical fitness at Focus in NYC, after I get my associates at DCC majoring in social work of course.

I will be a physical therapist, and not just a personal trainer for women, or men, that are perfectly capable, but for men and women that have suffered traumatic injuries. ((braininjury?))

Tagged ,

Bubble Toes

I’d be sure to keep my distance,

I’d watch carefully my gaze dripping with longing.
Longing for what once was,
But I know better than to walk this floor.

I know better.


I still crawl into bed with my parents when I cannot fall asleep.

Yes, I am at the age where I should have stopped doing that ten years ago.

I have sleeping problems, and when I have problems we all have a problem(mymomknowsthatfirsthand.) So, she lets me sleep next to her.

Trying to fall asleep with a snoring person is like; In between the fits of snore I am working like mad to fall asleep. Then I think, “Well, if I am thinking about the snore then the more it will keep me up.” So, then I think about actively not thinking about the snore cycle. NO REST FOR ME.backupstairs.

Christmas break started, and of course, I checked a book out of the public library.Leaving Van Gogh: A Novel:Carol Wallace>>>It really, really is just like stepping into one of Vincent Van Gogh’s paintings.

My mind has so much to say about this novel, I will just leave it at that though and you can read it if you ever come across it.

Spring semester just started, naturally, I have chosen a new book. I actually started it once a while back. “The Dharma Bums”: by Jack Kerouac>>> New York Review of Books- “A descriptive excitement unmatched since the days of Thomas Wolfe.”

I am not sleeping though, can’t say I mind so much, but my mom and (everyonethathastospeaktomeformorethan10minutes) minds. I can properly function on only a few hours of sleep. |I can remember hearing once someone told me that geniuses need less sleep then everybody else| Now, Idk about that…I just know that I am not feeling tired. Its like if I stop working out, for like a week, my sleeping gets all fucked with.

Alexandra Rae Gravino

Sleeping topless makes me think of Alex Gravino.

At the time Things she did made me think that she was selfish.

Like always making sure SHE felt o.k. That used to really get me going.
Being the second oldest in a family of four it pissed me off to think that anyone could live like that.

Like, like…(( (a brat) ))like an ONLY CHILD.
Everyone knew her as being such a good little girl. She was too. So pure.
She was just not used to sharing and that set me off like nothing else.
But I understand now, I guess I always did understand and thats why I put up with her self full moments.

She needed me to share some of what I own but that I seem all too frequently to overlook.
I needed her to show me that it was o.k. to worry about ME, and focus a little less on everyone else.

It took some getting used to, and I think that I only ever got used to it just now.

Have you ever accidentally bit on an orange peel?

I was reading in an encyclopedia that the healthiest part in an orange for you is the peel, because, the peel has the most vitamin C. It has more vitamin C than any other part of the orange.

Have you ever accidentally bit on an orange peel?

It it almost tastes poisonous its so bad.

I was running at Poets Walk with two girlfriends and two dogs two days ago, and I asked one of them to get the ‘apple’ out of my back pack.

Turned out it was an orange

Still holding the dog’s leash, I tried to eat said orange. I peeled it at first. Peeling oranges with your mouth while walking a dog is not so fun, so I decided I would just eat the whole darn thing like an apple. (I mean I had read it was good for you)

Then I discovered how much like life eating an entire orange turned out to be.

You get to the sweet inside, but by the time you get there its time to begin eating the new section of the orange. You almost forget about that sweet good taste, but something keeps you eating.

The memory of feelings that I once got keeps me eating the sour outside peel of the orange to get to the inside.

But once I got to the inside the memory of the bitter taste from the outside stayed with me.

Like life.



Breath.Breathe.                                                                   I never stay mad for more than as long as it takes to tie my shoes.
When I run I feel my thoughts turning into liquid.

I feel that hill, ILOVEHILLSIlovehillsIlovehills.


Running hills must make your butt look better.            ep, thats what it does.                                     My butt will look great. I am going to run to that feeling.                  Where do I get that feeling?

Where is the lighting just so?

I know that place.
Do you think they’d letwomenrun in India?
How I like to run I mean. Sweat dripping.Shy,but so confident at the same time.
I do wear layers, most of the time.

Was Allah right or is Jesus right?Doesitmatter??

Breath.Breathe, in through mouth out through nose. That is what Erin told me her dad told her she should try to do that one year on the curve closest to the high school.

Breath.Breathe.                                        I am not very good.But its OK, look at me now

Breath.Breathe.                                        I mean so many, many ppl believe Jesus.

So many believe Allah.

Breath.Breathe.                                        I want to be at the top of Hunter mountain.
Breath.Breathe.                                        I am so alone at the top of Hunter. You just know that when you smile and your by yourself on top of a mountain, you know its real

I wonder how much.

Almost to that place. That place with that feeling…



Breath.Breathe.   To many ppl don’t know about those feelings.

Who will show them?

Well,… I have shown a few.  Two or three. Breath.

Breath.Breathe.                                                                          Now I am off.

I must remember.



Yup,runforyourbutt.             Breath.Breathe.                       Lets run to Hessle Museum

Wonder if they still have that thing there, ya know with the chairs.Theyhavelittlelockers.

That spot. I was with him at that spot, I don’t want to feel that feeling. Not now, nottoday.


If I run to that spot, the Hessle Meuseum is right there.

I know what I believe.
I believe in this and me, him and her, Here and Now.     Breath.Breathe.

I just have to believe in the past, its what makes now.   Breath.Breathe.

I wonder if those things are poisonous.                                Breath.Breathe.

I wonder if he regrets meeting me……                                   Breath.Breathe.

I wonder if I fIwillgotothe top ever again?                           Breath.Breathe.

I feel it, my thoughts turning to liquid.

I feel my thoughts turning into liquid.

The Soloist directed by Joe Wright

Carrington directed by Christopher Hampton

Pandaemonium directed by Julian Temple