The Fight

Onetwothree. I feel like I’ve lost something; the fight maybe.

Fourfivesixseven. Tell me I haven’t failed somewhere.

Eightninetenelleven. I am going to make it.

up this hill, ilovehillsilovehillsilovehills.

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via SO FAR THIS IS WHAT IVE GOT, it did change.

SO FAR THIS IS WHAT IVE GOT, it did change.

I can’t really remember butIthinkIforgot…

Buthowcouldyouforget? It seemed to come so naturally. You probably didn’t forgetyourjustbeinglazy.

I know you may be right, but it’s like eating away at me. Even when I really try nothing seems to come of it.

Maybe I was never really good. My drug induced stupor made me think I was, or lack there of made …me think I was good. I don’t even think I said that one correctly. But when I take a quick break from my meds I write sometimes, and that writing is so interesting for ‘sober’ (or the civilized human being me to read.

Stupor? But What do you mean?

Like I was lost in my illness so that when they give me meds I got? I got…I got… better… no, here’s how I think it goes. I am not a good writer, I just write interestingly when I am off the meds that they force me to take.

SoI think they should… 😔

I write better when I am off the drugs. I do artsy things when I am off the drugs that they make me take.

I sleep more when I’m on the drugs. I behave how they’d like. For awhile…

Thatsoundslikesomesortofthreat.

Oh, but it’s not. If you saw how beautifully these ideas were being comprised in my head you would understand. I feel like they gave me the meds…now I’m dependent upon them to function as a civilized human being, and I know that is kinda the truth.

Let’s look back for a moment at the series of events that led me to where I am: got pissed at a boy behind a cafe counter, and got mistreated by a boy whom kicked me out resulting in me on foot leaving his house to roam for a couple days only to meet a couple and not sleep for two days straight Nd when I finally got to my apartment I left the apartment naked.

Fuck.

It’s bc they took me off my meds suddenly. The dr approved it and everything…

So it’s his fault.

Or maybe it’s being on such powerful drugs still? It’s been years since my accident in 2008. Maybe it’s that my drs aren’t so great.

I don’t even tell my sphyciahtrist anything about my life. He doesn’t know or ask. We talk about dumb shit.

He has his own life. But what about mine? Who will care about mine? No hidden agenda. No trying to get me on drugs.

Fuck.

QB

Ideservesomuchand I ask you for nothing. I love you.

I get nothing.

I go nowhere.

I watch you.

Livingvicariouslythroughyouradventures.

You left me behind

You liked it too.

You were happy to see me finally get what I deserve?

Do I deserve this?

Do I deserve this?

Do I deserve this?

I can feel you

Yourhearwithme. I am going to do fashion. I love you, and I hope I make you proud.

I miss you.

Tell me what to do; I need a sign, give me a sign, please…

Dontyouthinkweoutta’knowbynow?

no

I mean yes.

please no more of these games

It is done. You are done when you say you are done.

okimFUCKINGDONEWITHTHISBS.

Orangetictacsarethebomb

and I just got a hat.

Everyone looks at me funnily when I wear a hat, like fuck you; ya, I chose to wear a fucking hat, ya it’s cute too, FUCK OFF.

FUCK OFF, me and my sister like to shop and know how to; so, we do it fast and furious.

FUCK OFF, I know how to speak some French, and I will too; when I want to…

FUCK OFF, I love this boy Nishant, and I I know I always be; so, stop hitting me up, or continue to do so, I love to talk and he doesn’t mind if I talk.

no shorts

Idonthaveasinglepairofshorts. I just don’t, like.. buy um’. It is very,very hot… but its ok, I guess. I’m wearing shorts, but they are doodles’ shorts that she works out in. No one wants to be with me in the hot, and can you imagine how hard it is to get someone to take me literally anywhere? Its like a goddamn chore. I am not sorry I am the way I am. I am sorry that no one wants to take me around with them.

Like, ugh… It is really hot and I have some dresses, but like…

Fuck THEMANwhoeverorwhateverthatfuckingis for fucking me over and over again.

“Sweating is good for you,” ASH.

iDONTKNOWWHATTODO. Wait,..yes I do. I love sweating. it is hoteveryfuckingwhere.theheatis rolling down my cheeks and landing precariously close to my upper lip level. OH WAIT; i FUCKING PASSED! i GRADUATED FROM cOLUMBIA gREEN cOMMUNITY cOLLEGE. I love this county, and the Columbia County. What a beautiful place for us to be stranded…for now.

R.I.P. Mamma Kitty

Thank you for bringing those kittens into this world at the time you did. Ty for letting us watch you raise them. It was magic.